Walking in the shadows, I forgot the brightness of light and befriended the dark. Shadows of my friends glimmered with the colors of their love and dedication to our friendship, and lightened the dark. And the darkness shimmered with a life and beauty of its own. It sang to me great melodies of faith and friendship, courage and determination. And so I forgot the brilliance of that other light; for I was happy to paint this world with colors of my passions and breathe life into all its shades, adding to the calm of its inky blackness. Yet, deep in my heart, in the very depths of that sacred place, I knew not how and when my forgetfulness gave birth to a treacherous wish to see and
remember the life and wonder of that other light, to betray the loyalties of this darkness and flee from the tranquility of its strangely luminescent wonders. My wish was granted. My life collided with that desired light. A light so bright that it blinded me with its whiteness, scorched my faith, burnt my hope, and embittered my soul with ingratitude.
Imprisoned in my agony, I now yearn to break free of my blindness and return to the serenity of my darkness. I pray for a way back to the splendor of an unwavering faith, the ethereal glow of a faithful friendship, the fiery warmth of a dauntless courage and an unshakable resolve. Those were the gifts of The Light which lives within the sacred depths of our hearts, and which I lost to my ingratitude, consumed by the flames of my foolish and relentless devotion to my treacherous wish.
Burnt and broken, I cannot help but reflect upon the days before the treachery. I knew all the ways of my heart and would often seek sanctuary in its sacred depths. I would kneel down before the light of His love for me; till my soul was immersed in the Certainty of His Presence, and my horizons would be brightened with the splendor of a thousand suns. So that when I would recite His Words, I would feel His Voice speaking to me and the world all around me would melt away into nothingness. And whenever I stood vigil before Him in the night, my heart and soul would rejoice in the pleasure of listening to the heavenly bliss of His Silent Voice. He would ask me about my dreams and desires; all about my wishes; if I needed something, or was bothered by anything in His Creation. Yes dear reader, such as indeed the friendship of our Creator to us, the best of His creation.
My answers to Him would usually be of humility and gratitude. I would tell Him that the certainty of His Love and Presence all around me is my entire world and all its riches; and thus is a blessing for a lifetime. Yet, a betrayal poisoned my gratitude and made me wish to see as others see, and be trapped, as most of us are, in the illusions of a lesser light than His Own. Though the prayer was made unconsciously, He still graciously warned me against my foolishness.
“When the sky break apart,
And when the stars fall, scattering,
And when the seas are erupted,
And when the contents of the graves are scattered,
A soul will then know what it has put forth and kept back.
O mankind; what has deceived you, concerning your Lord, the Generous?
Who created you, proportioned you, and balanced you,” (Surah Infitar)
But I was stubborn and remained heedless of His caution. As a result, He fulfilled my desires and gifted me a light’. It was bright and beautiful. Shining with the brilliance of kindness and compassion, and of many other colors, it made me covet the beauty of another existence. I wanted to be a vessel for the shining aura of its presence, to see the world from the brightness of its tenderness, and to let it be my guiding star in the ocean of scenes and images that the seeing know as their world.
I was blessed all that I desired. Its tenderness became the tranquility of my soul. The mellow softness of its radiant presence became an indispensable source of joy for me. And above all, I began to cherish it as an inseparable part of my heart and soul. And thus, as it mostly happens, that in moments when our desires are gratified to our hearts’ content, we forget that all earthly lights are bound to dim and extinguish one day. I too forgot this unheeded and yet obvious truth.
It too dimmed and vanished like the setting sun. And to my chagrin, I found myself lost in the emptiness of my own heart. I could no longer see the light of His Noor. I could no longer feel the certainty of His Love and Presence. For in my folly I had foolishly exchanged the Light of the Most Loving with the light of a fleeting shadow. As a result, I now find myself struggling with the burden of an inexplicable sadness and longing, and of guilt and repentance.
In essence dear reader, dreams and desires are not to be shunned or feared simply because they appear to be unattainable, for they are the warmth of our lives, and food for our souls. But when they begin to belittle the beauty of our present, then you would do better to guard yourself against ingratitude. For ingratitude leads to self-pity and
self-pity in turn either makes you resentful towards everything or makes you reject your true self. So that in the end, what remains of yourself and your essence is a shell filled with either bitterness and despair or a confused sense of rage and resentment. And eventually, you lose your love for Your Creator and the love of His Creation.