It is the time near the breaking of the fast in Ramadan that you can truly feel the love of The Most Loving caressing your patient and persevering heart. When I was little, I used to think why does Allah want me to be hungry and thirsty to please Him? Does He get pleasure out of my hunger? Does it give Him satisfaction to watch me thirst for water and not drink for His sake? With time, my childhood questions burrowed deep inside me where they hid from my faithful sight and where their rebellious but innocent wonder did not trouble me and without my knowing it kept on seeking answers to their curiosity by Him directly. For He does not discourage questions which explore His love and generosity but despises unwarranted, meaningless insolence which belittle His benevolence and challenge His omnipotence and most merciful authority.
“And He answers those who believe and do good”
Surah Shura
This Ramadan He has finally answered me and like everything else He does, it was timed perfectly to heal me from a loss I have been struggling to reconcile with for two and half years, perhaps more. It was indeed a gift from Him; a realization of what exactly am I to internalize as the essence of my fasting for His sake. I was lost in the anguish of my abandonment and in the misery of my pain when I began to implore him to tell me, if there is ever going to be a time when this feeling of loss would end? Would I ever be free of the void I feel I need to fill? Isn’t He supposed to be with me all the time and fill the hollowness with His presence? My rant gained momentum and my questions became a crescendo of forlorn thoughts and dark imaginings; till finally, those childhood questions of innocence and wonder came bursting out of me with the bitterness of my present misery. YaAllah why am I still so lost and feel abandoned when I meet you 5 times a day? My family and friends are always with me. So why do I still feel the need to have a reliable companion? Answer me please… because you are the only one who knows exactly what is going on with me and who has the generosity to heal me with His mercy.
He answered me gradually. With every answer He addressed my pain differently and eased my suffering into understanding. I shall share details of these answers in my following posts, InshaAllah. For now, let me explain what truly helped me. It happened towards the end of this Ramadan. When I raised my hands for praying to him just before breaking the fast. He inspired me with what He wants us to take away from our fasting and this month of virtues and blessings. It is to increase our awareness of His presence in our lives. You see, we breathe in the air He commands. We walk on the Earth He owns. We sustain ourselves by the provisions He provides from his dominion over the earth and the seas and the skies. Above all each and every bond we share with others in our lives is an expression of His love for us. As such, when we strongly desire a companionship, what we truly need is to experience an even more intimate expression of His love which we are already experiencing but differently. Fasting is a way to cultivate such intimacy in our bond with The Most Loving.
Think about it, we knowingly endure our hunger and thirst, take special care to avoid any quarrelling, lying, backbiting, cheating, any kind of immoral and licentious activity with a single motivation to earn His pleasure. He does not enjoy our hunger and thirst, and self-restraint. What He takes pride in and is pleased about is the fact that we do it for Him and Him alone. Only this motivation and nothing else is what gives us strength and resolve to maintain the terms of our fasting. Such a devotion breeds a conscious awareness of His constant presence with us as our Master and Protector, our Friend and Companion, the One Being Who is All-knowing, All-seeing, All-hearing, and All-commanding. In effect He wants us to know that in all our trials and tribulations we are never alone. He always has our backs no matter what. All we need to do is to have faith in Him and His Love for us, the best of His creation.
“And he who believes in Allah He guides his heart”
Surah Taghabun
In essence, fasting is the gift from The Most Gracious to us His humble servants. Truly, Oh our Lord we are Yours and You are ours. Bless us the Noor of Your love and forbearance, grant us Your forgiveness and pardon all our misconceptions and wrongdoings. And please accept our humble efforts of this Ramadan as an expression of our gratitude for such a grand and magnificent gift, Amin.