Loneliness is a curse. To have passed through its shadows, I understand the cold emptiness that invades a forlorn soul. To be thinking of ever returning to the agony of that familiar estrangement was just, unbearable! Thankless indeed, what would my mother feel; if she were to know those thoughts? What would my siblings say? if they could hear those screeching echoes? How would my friends react to my tears? Would they feel betrayed or disappointed; to think that I was only playing a trick over them of being a strong willed warrior?
Regardless of my ingratitude, the path of life has some mile stones. Upon which everyone’s offered a choice, to change the course of your life or to be changed by its flow. And I think that was one of those times for me to choose. For it took me some time before the pain subsided a little and I realized that the commanding voice, which shielded me from those echoes was of no one’s but mine own. Addressing the enemy we all have to face one way or another, I spoke thus.
“Truth is a terrible and beautiful bird. Set it free, without preparing yourself first, and it shall destroy the very fabric of your reality. For each of us differ in our capacity to comprehend its existence. No one can fully understand the truth of his or her life unless with His guidance. For those who do, recognize Allah All Mighty as the Supreme Master and Omnipotent Controller of all creation, and learn to live In His submission. And if you let it be caged and imprisoned, it shall take away your sense of reality. Its absence shall corrupt your soul. And eventually you shall die a thousand deaths before truly leaving this world. So let me tell you, the actual truth of my life. As I have understood it so far.
No matter what you tell me to the contrary, I still know myself to be a soldier, training to defend my ideals. A warrior; born to vanquish the darkness that dwells with in me. To defy the black ignorance that beguiles my people from trusting the Mercy of their Master, Our greatest Benefactor; the only Benefactor. But yes, I need to strengthen my faith, and as such am a student of the faithful. For “He who believes in Allah, He guides his heart.“ -Surah Tagabun
May He burn you in the deepest, darkest, and the most scorching fires of hell, Amin. You’ve most cunningly used the pain from my most recent experiences to overwhelm me, by all the fears and dreads, I ever had. By any word I ever heard against my belief and personality. Even by those told to me as compliments. And I? I forgot that your whispers are meant to extinguish the fires of our faith and courage. I forgot that your conniving nature deceives us into doubting the sure roots of our beliefs and relations. As a result, I fell in to your trap; and began to doubt myself and my principles. Under the agony of that uncertainty, I lost my belief in my own strength and forgot that to doubt one’s self unjustly, is to die by one’s own hands. Yet I do not regret this encounter with you. For it has taught me many things.
A warrior’s strength is not always judged by his defiance alone. Sometimes when facing his own darkness, he needs a special kind of courage, an insurmountable will, to never let go of his true purpose, and yet yield to the deepest, and darkest of his fears and apprehensions. Let them wash over him, to cleanse his heart from the corruption of a skeptical disbelief that your subtle lies plague it with. For rage and regret, fear and fortitude, love and compassion, lust and resentment are a part of being human. To deny their existence is to deny one’s heritage as a child of Adam peace be upon him, to be ruled by them is cowardice indeed, but to embrace them a part of his legacy is a daring acceptance of one’s birth to be humble, and yet noble in its humility. Which in effect removes any ambiguities about one’s strengths and weaknesses. For understanding one’s self is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be the advent of purity that we all seek.
For instance, in the light of my recent experiences, I have come to understand what I previously just believed in. Tears are not always wept in cowardice. Sometimes, when shared, they are a mark of intimacy between honest friends. And when shed alone, under a blanket, in the quiet stillness of a wintry night, they are the pearls of His Benevolence; shining in the growing wilderness of a desolate heart, lighting its way back to the richness of humility and gratitude; guiding a lost soul back to its one and true Master, as mine did to my Lord, The Most Merciful. To be continued…